Kid: “Please could I go to the toilet.”
Teacher: “Say the alphabet.”

Kid: “abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz”

Teacher: “Where’s the p?”

Kid: “Running half way down my leg.”

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”

The second said, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on.

You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”

The third said, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.”

The fourth surgeon said, “I like technicians. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end.”

One day an old woman walked into a shop and got some dog food,
she went to pay for it and the cashier said you can’t buy that dog food we need evidence that you have a dog, so she bought in her dog and she got the dog food.

The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said you can’t have that cat food we need evidence that you have a cat, so she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food. Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box, she told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did. She said it felt warm and soft, the little old lady then said now you’re satisfied can I have some toilet paper please!

Two old guys from a senior center were sipping lemonade on the porch when one asks the other,
“Ralph, I’m 92 years old and even my aches have pains. You must be close to my age. How are you feeling?”

Ralph says, “Like a brand new baby.”

“No kidding!

Like a brand new baby?”

“Yep. No teeth, no hair, and wet diapers.”