A man is sent to prison for the first time.
At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, “Number twelve!” The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, “Number four!” Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.

The new guy asks his cellmate what’s going on. “Well,” says the older prisoner, “we’ve all been in this prison for so long. We all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke.”

So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, “Number twenty-nine!” This time the whole cell block rocks with the loudest laughter, prisoners rolling on the floor laughing hysterically.

When the guffaws die down, the bewildered new guy turns to the older prisoner and asks, “How come you guys were laughing so hard this time?”

“Oh,” says the older man wiping tears from his eyes, “we’d never heard that one before.”

One night there were three female fugitives escaping from jail.
One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a redhead.

They had the police hot on their trail and, quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in.

When all three were inside the redhead, quickly thinking said they should all hide in old potato sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory.

They all got in their little potato sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door.

They looked at the sacks and said: ‘Hmm maybe they are hiding in these.’

The officer kicks the red-head’s sack and she makes whimpering noises. ‘Hmm just puppies in that sack’

The officer kicks the brunette’s sack and she makes mewing noises. ‘Hmm just kittens in that sack’ He says.

He finally kicks the blonde’s sack and she screams: ‘POTATOES! POTATOES!’

A mom texts, “Hi Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?” He texts back,
“I Don’t Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later.”

The mom texts him, “It’s ok, don’t worry about it. I’ll ask your sister, love you too.”

The father is telling his son stories to help him sleep.
The only sound is the murmur of dad’s voice. Two hours pass, and there’s silence in the room.

The mother creeps to the door and whispers, “Is he asleep, dear?”

“Yes, Mommy,” says her son.

“I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin,” the mother said. “Where is he?”
“Well,” her son replied thoughtfully, “if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he’s out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he’s out swimming.”

A dentist told a mother,
“I’m sorry madam, but I’ll have to charge you a $100 for pulling your boy’s tooth.”

The mother exclaimed, “A $100! You said it was only $20!”

“Yes,” replied the dentist, “but he yelled so loudly that he scared four other patients out of the office!”

A man is bragging about his new hearing aid.
“It’s the best I’ve ever had,” he says. “It cost $3,000.”

His friend asks, “What kind is it?”

He says, “Half past four!”

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.
“This,” she said, “I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?”

“No, Madam,” replied the attendant. “That one’s called a mirror.”

A central banker walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza.
When the pizza is done, he goes up to the counter get it.

There a clerk asks him: “Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?”

The central banker replies: “I’m feeling rather hungry right now. You’d better cut it into eight pieces.”

I stopped at a fast-food restaurant recently.
I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat-Free French Fries. I decided to give them a try.

I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer, which was dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order.

“Just a minute!” I said. “Those aren’t fat-free.”

“Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes . . . the fat is free!”

Tim: I wish I had the money to buy an elephant.
Tom: What do you want with an elephant?

Tim: Nothing, I just want the money.

A guy shows up late for work.
The boss yells, “You should’ve been here at 8.30!”

He replies, “Why? What happened at 8.30?”