When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at “Mom” and pushed send.

His mother answered, and I told her what happened.

“Don’t worry,” she said, “I’ll take care of it.”

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was “Mom.”

…

..

.

“Martin,” she said, “you left your cell phone at the convenience store.”

======

Chap goes in to a bar and orders a vodka and coke.
Barman serves him. Man drinks it orders another. This goes on for a while, until the chap begins to slow down.

Barman asks, “Is there anything the matter, sir?”

Chap replies, “I had an enormous argument with the wife. She said she won’t speak to me for a month. I have to sleep on the sofa.”

Barman says, “Best bet is to stop drinking, go home, and don’t let this argument carry on passed the first night. Nip it in the bud.”

Chap says, “You don’t understand. This is the last night.”

=====

A blonde stopped at a gas station, got out of the car, opened the hood, and checked the engine oil.
After a few seconds of what appeared to be intelligent thinking she took the dipstick in her hand and walked over to the attendant.

“Excuse me,” she said, “but can I buy a longer dipstick?”

“Sure, ma’am, of course. Why do you need a longer one?”

“Because this one isn’t long enough to reach the oil.”

————————————————————————————————

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland.

Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced “One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don’t worry; we still have three engines.”

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced “One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don’t worry we still have two engines left”.

An hour later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don’t worry we have one engine left”.

…

..

.

One blonde looked at the other blonde and said “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day”

============================================

A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking.

One day, his wife got so angry that she told him: “If you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out.”

Her husband didn’t believe her, so he kept on smoking and drinking just like he always did.

His wife was determined to prove herself right, so one day she went out early in the morning and bought some big intestines. She stuffed them in her husband’s underwear as he slept.

A short while later, he woke up, let out a huge scream, and then fell silent for the next 30 minutes.

After another 30 minutes of silence, he comes downstairs, sweating profusely.

“What happened?” asked the wife.

“You were right! My intestines did come out, but don’t worry honey – after a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.”

================================
Michael’s wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old,

goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asks her husband – “Darling, honestly, if you didn’t know me, what age would you say I am?”

Looking over her carefully, Michael replied…

“Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.”

“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.

Just as she was about to tell Michael his reward, he stops her by saying:

“WHOA, hold on there sweetie… I haven’t added them up yet!”

P.S – Please let us know if you’ve seen him, we’re very worried.

—————————————————————————————————

An irate father stormed into the principal’s office.

An irate father stormed into the principal’s office:

“I want to know why my son Winslow was given a zero on his English examination.”

“We’ll get your Winslow’s English teacher in here. I’m sure she has some explanation.” the principal said

A few minutes later, the English teacher come in.

“Why did you give Winslow a zero on his test?” demanded the father.

“I had no choice,” said the schoolmarm.

“He handed in a blank paper with absolutely nothing on it.”

“That’s no excuse,” shouted the father.

…

..

.

“You could have at least given him an ‘A’ for neatness!”

==============================

Machine and Bottle.

After the birth of their first child Tom and Sarah decided it was time to write a will and get their affairs in order.

They went to a lawyer and outlined for him their ideas about how their estate should be handled.

The lawyer then asked them questions about what medical means should be employed should they become severely injured.

Tom spoke up, “I don’t want my life regulated by some machine. I just can’t stand the idea of receiving my nourishment from a bottle.”

Sarah took Tom’s words to heart. When they got home, she cut the TV cord and dumped out all of Tom’s beer.

—————————————————————————————————————————-

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping.

It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmmm…. That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills. “The boy quickly replied.

“That’s right, lady.

…

..

.

The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any chance for a reward.”

LOLLLL, did you laugh? we hope you enjoy this joke.

Have a nice day!

You are loved!
====================================

First day on the job, and this trainee already knows how to handle the big boss!

A man starts his first day as a trainee at a big corporate empire. Feeling bold, he picks up the phone and dials the pantry. “Get me a coffee, quickly!” he demands.

But—oops! He didn’t dial the pantry.

A voice on the other end snaps back, “You fool! You’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you even know who you’re talking to, dumbo?!”

“No,” the trainee replies.

The voice on the other end huffs, “It’s the CEO of the company, you fool!”

The trainee thinks for a second, then shouts back, “And do you know who YOU’RE talking to, you fool?!”

The CEO, now totally confused, asks, “No, who?”

The trainee replies, “Good!” and hangs up.