A woman walks into a bar. She’s very inebriated, so she stumbles to the bartender. ‟I will have a whiskey schlour!” she slurs.

‟I can’t serve you ma’am, you’ve had too much.” The barkeep informs her. Looking disgruntled, she walks out the front door. A few minutes later she walks in through the side entrance.

‟Barkeep, give me Gin and Ginger.” she hiccups. ‟As I told you before, I can’t serve you, would you like me to get you a cab?” The bartender says patiently. Looking quizzically at the bartender, she shakes his head and stumbles out.

A few minutes later she walks in the front door again. ‟Give me Blue Motorcycle!” she demands. ‟Look ma’am’ the bartender says sternly, having lost his patience, ”if you do not let me call you a cab, I’m going to have to call the police.‟

She peers at him with red, blurry eyes and mumbles, ”How many friggin’ bars do you work at??‟

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,
“Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while.

What happened? You look terrible.”

Captain Hook “What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”

“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

“Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a c.annon ball, but I’m fine now.”

“Well, OK, but what about that hook?

“What happened to your hand?”

“We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a s.word fight. My hand was c.ut off.

I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really.”

“What about that eye patch?”

“Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.”

“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn’t lose an eye just from some bird shit.”

“It was my first day with the hook.”

A man comes home late one night, drunk.

“Where have you been?” asks his wife. “In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!”

This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.

“Do you have golden chairs?” “Yes.”

“Do you have golden glasses?” “Yes.”

“Do you have golden beer?” “Yes.”

“Do you have a golden urinal?” “Hold on.”

On the other end, she hears “I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone.”